Anything but Easy

My journey with Breastfeeding

I had always believed breastfeeding would be easy. Everyone has done it since the beginning of time. How hard could it be?? Boy was I wrong.

With Hudson we had problems from the day he was born. It took him 24 hours to latch and actually start nursing and I was a ball of stress the whole time. I was so sad that my baby couldn't figure it out and that he was going so long without eating. We finally had success with using a nipple shield and although annoying I thought we would have smooth sailing from then on. Once again I was wrong. I got mastitis 4 times within 4 months and my milk dried up. If you have never had mastitis pray you never do. It is horrible. Two of the four times I had a high fever and seriously felt like I might die. At four months we were forced to switch to formula and that was that. No other options. 

During my entire pregnancy with Grayson I prayed for things to be different. I just knew that because of the power of prayer we were going to have a successful breastfeeding journey this time. Once again I was wrong. When Grayson first attempted to nurse he latched on instantly and started nursing. I knew my prayers had been answered. What a relief that it would be easy this time. The second day in the hospital it was like he completely forgot what he was doing. Once again we started using a nipple shield and it worked great. We were headed home with high hopes and a baby that was nursing great. By the time he was 7 weeks old I knew something was not right. He was crying all the time. Not sleeping and his poop had turned weird colors that weren't considered normal. I started weighing him every few days and he was losing weight. I started to panic. I called the doctor and got him in and sure enough at 8 weeks old he was barely a pound over his birth weight. The doctors were concerned that he wasn't absorbing nutrition and my greatest fears started to surface. I was told to pump every three hours and give him a 3 ounce bottle. If I didn't produce enough we would supplement with formula. Within 3 days he had gained weight and I knew I wasn't producing enough milk. I was crushed. It was such a feeling of guilt, defeat and complete devestation. I was his mom, this was my job, why couldn't I succeed at something God intended? So many questions raced through my mind. 

After the 3 days and on Christmas Eve the doctor said to let him nurse again for 3 days and we would see if he gained any weight. Well that was a great plan except after three days of a bottle Grayson refused to nurse. I was devastated once again. I just decided I had been wrong and nursing wasn't going to work for us probably ever. I decided to continue pumping for him to get as much milk as I could. As he got bigger my milk was not increasing and I was having to supplement more and more. 

My dear friend told me about a page on Facebook called Human Milk for Human Babies. I was honestly floored as many of you are and kinna grossed out that people would give their child someone else's breast milk. Then I started thinking. This is the VERY best thing for my son. Whether it's my milk or someone else's it didn't matter. Why would I give my kids animal milk freely yet not another Mom's milk. I made the decision to find someone to donate milk to us. My sweet husband and my parents weren't all for the idea in the beginning. It was weird and unheard of to them. My mom was the first on board with the idea and I had made up my mind that was the route we were taking. One of the girls in my LifeGroup heard my prayer request for God's provision and said she had TONS of extra milk she wanted to donate. I was shocked and so excited. I remember crying that night because another prayer had been answered. Then a few weeks later I was on HMFHB one day and saw a donation post from a girl I went to OSU with and was in my sorority and she lived in Tulsa. I was ecstatic. Someone I knew had extra milk. What an answered prayer. She donated tons of milk and we were well on our way to making it. Then as if two people weren't enough I had another friend ask if I needed milk and also donated TONS and has donated more than once. What a blessing. Even though it might have seemed small to those three girls the gift they have given me and my baby will be treasured forever. 

When Grayson is on formula he pukes insane amounts. When he is on breast milk he spits up maybe once a day. Right around when he turned 8 months old I was almost out of all of our donated milk. I was so torn about what to do. Look for more donors, stop pumping and looking for donations and just make the switch to formula. Oh what to do? Another big decision. I ask my chiropractor what she thought and she suggested renting a hospital grade pump and seeing if that would help. I was desperate because I had maybe two days left of milk. I found a way to rent the pump and went the next morning to get it. At first I didn't notice much difference. I sent out a text to the girls who had previously donated and no one had anymore milk at that time. THe third girl who donated told me she would ask around and see if anyone else she knew could donate. A couple days of supplementing and puking and she told me she had a couple days supply she could give me. Within a day of her giving me more milk Grayson started finally eating baby food. 

Now that he is eating three meals a day I AM PRODUCING ENOUGH MILK for him!!!! My milk supply has gone up and after almost 9 long excruciating months we have made it!!!! Yesterday as I was reflecting on our journey I realized what God's plan was this entire time. He has been teaching me perseverance. I have always been one to give up easily. If it doesn't come naturally to me I stop and try something else. I've never been one to try and try until I succeed. I give up. Its a terrible quality and I have always known that. God has tested me to my limits. Exclusively pumping for 9 months is horrible. There is nothing fun about pumping in the car, sitting in a room by yourself at family gatherings, scheduling your life around pumping because your baby wont nurse. For some reason I had a different attitude this time and continued to push on and keep trying. I wanted the best for Grayson and I was able to give it to him. I am so thankful for how my God provides for me and my family. Even though it was in ways I never imagined we are here and we have made it 9 months. I have complete confidence that we will make it to a 1 year and possibly beyond.

Thank you Father for being the ultimate Provider and my Strength when I was so so weak. Thank you for making this journey anything but easy so I would trust in you! Once again you have proved all I need is to put my trust completely in you and you will always provide!!!