My heart is broken. When my heart is broken the only thing I
know to do is write, it’s the only thing that helps the pain. 8 years ago in
January I was obsessed with finding a dog. It made no sense. I was a freshman
at OSU and living in a sorority house. Yet I still searched Pet Finder multiple
times a day. I’m not sure what I was thinking. I knew my parents would kill me,
I couldn’t have a dog in the house, yet I still looked endlessly. One morning I
saw a picture of the most beautiful puppy I had ever seen. Her eyes were sad
and I knew she was mine. Not only was this during the week while I was in
Stillwater, she was in Noble. What do you do in a situation like that, you call
your best friend and you head towards the city without your parents knowledge.
I picked up Brooke and we headed to Noble. I can’t remember if it was on the
way there or back, but we devised a sneaky plan. We would tell my parents that
she was an abandoned puppy that Brooke’s dad had found at one of his stores. As
if they would believe that. Back to the story…I had called the Noble Animal
Shelter and the lady said I will meet you in the parking lot of the courthouse
so you can follow me there. We literally followed her out into a field. I’m not
gonna lie we were both a little nervous. As we pulled up to this shed, we got
out and she said just so you know I haven’t been out here yet today. I was
blown away and knew I was taking this dog home with me regardless of if I had
to find her another home. Walking in to this tiny shack there were two cages
with two on top of those and that was it. I crouched down and she was sitting
with her head in the corner with her back to us. Poop, and pee were everywhere
and there was a huge bowl of water and a huge bowl of food. The lady pulled her
out and I pulled her straight into my arms. She looked up into my eyes while I
cradled her face and I told her it was ok I was here to take her home. The lady
told us that she and her brother had been born under a shed on a farmer’s
property as a stray and they had to set a live trap to get them out. Her
brother had been adopted the week before and she had been alone ever since. I can’t forget to add she was the nastiest
smelling dog I have EVER smelled. While I was inside the courthouse filling out
the paperwork she escaped the car and thankfully Brooke caught her cause she
wanted to take off. Needless to say my parents were ticked. I knew they didn’t
believe my story but I stuck to it. My mom and I bathed her and we took her
with us to Pets Mart to get a crate and some food. I’ll never forget one of the
workers ask us about her and said she would take her. I looked at my mom as my
eyes filled up with tears because I knew this one was different. There was just
something about her that I knew I could never let her go. I never could have
imagined just how true that was 8 years ago. The only way I can adequately
describe our relationship is she has been my angel. When I cry, she cries and
licks my tears. When I’m sick she won’t leave my side. Our love for each other
is fierce. I never would have thought a dog could teach me so much about life.
So much about love.
Now here I sit on what will probably be our last night
together and the pain is almost unbearable. The last few weeks she has wanted
to be inside with us a lot which isn’t like her but I figured it was because it
is extremely hot outside and she is 8. While we were gone at the lake for the 4th
she stopped eating. I worried about her the whole time. Even before we left I
was so worried about leaving her. Her not eating isn’t completely uncommon because
she is always depressed when I am gone. We got home Sunday and she happily ate
a hotdog but otherwise seemed fine. Then Monday morning she jumped up when I
got out of bed to go outside with me and went to the bathroom then came over to
let me love on her like she always does. She ran around a few times outside
that day and barked with the other big dogs but by that evening I knew
something wasn’t right. She still wouldn’t eat her dog food but had eaten egg,
and chicken a couple times that day. Tuesday morning she once again went
outside and came for me to love on her. I had to leave for a couple hours so I
left her outside and when I got home there was nasty throw up everywhere. I
called the vet and Bryan took her in. After some bloodwork and xrays they called
and told us that her potassium levels are way too high, she has arrhythmia in
her heart, she was jaundice, she had fluid in her abdomen, she was extremely
dehydrated, and the xray showed a mass in her stomach as well. I knew it wasn’t
good and was in shock. We went and got her to transfer her to an emergency vet
for the night so they could give her fluids and keep a really close eye on her.
After leaving the vet I was afraid they
would lose her in the night. She could hardly walk or lift her head and I was
almost wishing we had let her go at that point. Our vet really wanted to do an
ultrasound today to figure out what was going on. Bryan picked her up this
morning and said she was a different dog. Wagging, walking almost normal just a
little slower, and happy. I held onto a small glimpse of hope all day. I called
to check on her around 4 and the doctor got on the phone. The ultrasound showed
her liver and spleen are full of cancer. She said the only option was to biopsy
it and send it off to see what kind of chemo we could do or make the call to
let her go at some point. I couldn’t breathe and barely got off the phone
before completely breaking down. How could the last 8 years have gone so fast?
What am I going to do without her? My parents are out of the country, how am I
going to get through this without them? My world stopped and I felt like I couldn’t
go on. Then a smiling little 1 year old came to make me laugh and for a split
second it was ok. Emma has been with me through my darkest days. Before I met Bryan,
before we had kiddos to take all our time, it was always her. She has just been
there. On Monday night I just had a sinking feeling and laid on the floor with
her for about 30 minutes crying just thinking about possibly having to let her
go soon. Of course she put her paw up on my shoulder and nuzzled her face into
mine, whimpered, and pulled back to lick my tears. We just get each other.
There are so many things I will never ever forget.
-The way she slept in my bed like a person with her head on
my pillow if I wasn’t in bed.
-If the alarm ever went off in the night she would block me
from leaving my room and push me with all of her weight to stand in front of me
growling.
-The first night I had her home she howled for almost an
hour and I gave in and snuggled her into bed with me. She slept with me every
night until she could no longer jump on the bed. Then she slept right next to
me.
-The multiple times I laid on the floor during a
thunderstorm with my arms wrapped around her because she was so scared of
thunder. I would wake up the next morning with her still snuggled up to me like
a person.
-If she was ever outside in a storm she would be out in the
rain trying to look in the house, howling until we let her in. Rather than stay
dry in the garage she got soaked in hopes we would see her.
-She was Houdini. She could escape their garage pin no
matter how many times Bryan tried to fix it.
-We used to lay on my bedroom floor and I would rub her
tummy until she fell asleep.
-How she hated weed eaters.
-She would let Hudson walk her on a leash and walk perfectly
but if I had the leash she pulled the entire time.
-She saved me and Hudson from the guys that tried to break
into our house. I will forever be grateful for her, especially on that day.
-She would bound through the snow like a deer and then run
full blast, fall over and roll in it. She loved the snow as much as I do.
-But most importantly the way she loved me, the way she
loved her boys and her Daddy. Fiercely, unconditionally and constantly. What a
powerful example of God’s love for us.
My precious Emma Mae,
You far exceeded any expectation I ever had of a dog. I didn’t
know I could love an animal this much. You have been my guardian angel and a
constant source of joy. I’m not sure how life will ever be the same without
you. You have left a permanent indention on my heart that will never be
replaced. I will miss you every minute of every day for the rest of my life.
You my love are one of the best things that ever happened to me. 8 years just
wasn’t enough. I know you’ll be lying on a hill watching for us in heaven and I
ache for the day when I will see you again. Until then love on our sweet baby
in heaven like you loved on the boys. Rest in peace baby girl. I’ll love you
forever.
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